Over time we have learned the importance of showing up and being present for children.

Throughout the years, people have grown to accept and find value in the many different family dynamic realities in our society. Some of these realities include but are not limited to; two working parent household, single parent household, blended family household, and the co-parenting households. Although these more modern household dynamics have proven capable of raising children successfully, one thing that can prove to be a challenge in many of these homes is the fast paced, always on the go, busy lifestyle that our society heavily promotes. The “hurry up and go” lifestyle that we are all in submission to in one way or another, makes it difficult for many families to spend quality time with their children, which in turn could produce some shame, guilt, disconnection, and anxiousness in many parents and children.

These high demands and obligations may seem impossible or just exhausting, especially when it comes to planning activities or thinking about ways to bond with your children. But today, I want to lessen the load and encourage you with a few tips that if incorporated in your day-to-day lifestyle, can help increase bonding and attachment with your child and also allow the child to feel seen, heard and loved.

Tip #1:

Spend 10-15 min of quality time a day. You might be thinking, “Wow, that doesn’t seem like very much time.. how could that be helpful ” but its not about quantity, the amount of time you spend, rather it’s about the quality, how you spend the time with your child. During this time, it is important to give your child your undivided attention, that means no distractions such as multitasking or phone time- including taking pictures. It is important for your child to know that you are focused only on them. During this time, allow your child to pick the activity (something that doesn’t evolve electronics would be optimal but utilized whatever resources are available to you). Some examples include reading a book, drawing a picture, coloring, playing with toys, playing a quick board or card game, or an outside activity.

If your child is younger (ages 2-4), spend this time praising the child when possible. “Good, Job (Insert child’s name) and “Wow,_______”. Be descriptive by paying attention to the child’s actions “You picked up the blue block”. And use a combination of both describing the child’s behavior and praising the child’s actions. Try to make it as natural as possible, the focus should be more on joining and connecting with your child rather than how you are praising or describing. If you are reading a book, make eye contact. Engage with the child by adding to the story and allowing the child to add to the story- increasing playfulness and encouraging the use of imagination. Be close to your child- allow your child to sit nearby or in your lap if they desire. Physical touch through hugs and hand holding along with affectionate smiles and eye contact are encouraged.

If the child is older (age 5-8), you can implement the same technique but make it more conversational. For example, during an art activity you would say “Wow, I like the way you draw your houses”. Focusing on their strengths and positive qualities. You can even ask the child to teach you how to do the activity-allowing them to guide you through the process. This not only allows the child to build self-confidence and self- trust, but it also fosters an environment where the child feels valued and attuned to promoting healthy attachment bonds and connection.

Tip #2

It is important that you let your child know that this is their “special” time with you. If the child is at an age where time is a hard concept to understand or they have difficulty with transitions, you can explain the 15 min time limit. If they are having a difficult time with the transition itself, you can use a timer or countdown with your child. The use of a timer or countdown helps bring time awareness to the child and also helps ease the anxiety that may come from ending the activity.  You can initiate this by stating when there is 5 min left, 2 min left, then one.  When time is up you could than say, “I really love spending time with you and I know you really like spending time with me, but our time is up. We will have our time again together tomorrow”.

Tip #3

Consistency is key. This “special time” you create with you child will have significant meaning for them so it will be of extreme importance to make sure you are consistent with following through and showing up for your child. By doing so you will continue to strengthen the bond and connection between you and your child by fostering healthy, loving connection, building trust, and promoting secure attachment.

Simple Right? Well, if it doesn’t sound all that simple that is okay too. The good thing about this activity is that this will become natural with time and practice. Your child will grow to appreciate this time together and from this encourage a strong healthy connection between you and your child.

I hope this was helpful to you! Please feel free to reach out with any questions you may have, I would love to help!

I would love to know, What are some things that you do currently to spend quality time with your children?

-Tiffany Hawkins Berry M.A LPC RPT